My son was born 15 months ago.
I was originally going to call this essay, “The Gift of Existence”. It had been sitting in my Notion under this title for some time, all the way back to when our boy was just a cashew-sized cluster of pixels on the monitor of the tiny ultrasound room at Concord OB/GYN.
My thesis was that having a child is like giving the ultimate gift - the gift of existence. What greater gift could be given than bringing someone into this world? They are here, now, on Planet Earth. The world they were brought into is a web of chaos and complexity, yes, but they are here and they have a chance. A chance to survive, and learn, and grow and overcome. And maybe one day, if they are lucky, they can scribble their own reflections into an eight and a half by eleven notebook in the passenger seat of their Rav4 on lunch break. This, to me, was the most amazing part of becoming a parent.
Turns out, I was wrong.
It is indeed an incredible feat to bring a new soul into the world who once existed as only a glimmer in their parents’ eyes. I am often awestruck thinking about this as it applies to my own creation. I am here because two people were courageous enough to fall in love and build a family together. I was given the ultimate gift, and was lucky enough to survive through hardships, self-sabotage and the randomness of fate to make it to this point. Now, I can study history, ponder the universe, play disc golf and embrace the deep challenges of life. It feels nothing short of a miracle.
Nonetheless, after 15 months into dadhood, I have realized the most amazing part of becoming a parent is something else. It is not the gift you give to your children, but rather the gift they give to you. It is the moments of joy they bring into your life.
Before becoming a dad, I had never experienced the feeling of “brimming with joy”. Maybe I had experienced it as a child, but not as an adult. Nowadays, this is a feeling I carry with me at all times. I may not always be experiencing it, but I can conjure it up with ease, just by thinking about my son. It bubbles to the surface when I dance around the living room with him, cart him around the grocery store and watch him trot across the playground. It comes out in bursts when he launches himself down the slide like a penguin, when he runs around the house being chased by daddy, and when he giggles with glee getting tickle kisses from mommy. Joy has become a shared emotion that courses through our family every day.
There were times as a young man when I lost the ability to feel. There were other times when the only things I felt were anxiety and despair.
My son has opened my heart and brought me back to the beginning, where life is filled with laughter, love and many moments of joy.